My stomach felt dull as the plane began its final decent into the capital city. After four weeks of being in peaceful quiet Thailand, I was returning back to South Asia. Why did the idea of returning feel like a punch in the stomach? 'Ugh...its not suppose to be like this..' As I got off the plane, loud noises and smells assaulted my ears and nose. A business man, only concerned with his personal agenda, shoved me out of the way. I didn't have the energy to push back.

As I stood in the long customs line, a large family tried to cut in front of me. I stopped them. They got mad. I didn't care. My eyes stayed downcast as I made my way through the maze of the airport. When I reached the exit, my glasses fogged up from the severely humid air. I didn't bother to wipe them off. I just hailed a taxi and got in. I continued to stare at the ground, not having the motivation to do much else.


A few hot tears splashed onto my foggy glasses. I'm weary. And pessimistic. I thought about the national friendships I had made. I had expected to make friends in South Asia but I didn't expect to have to try to figure out if it was friendship they wanted in return or was it money...or a green card....I didn't think I would have to constantly question motives. I thought about the dust, the grime, the poverty, the violence. I thought about the fact that precious baby girls are outright killed, neglected or overlooked here. Life just seems to mean nothing. It's all so seemingly hopeless.

I reached my destination for the evening and was greeted by a kind friend with a warm smile and a cold glass of water. Maybe this won't be so bad after all... Over the weekend, I visited with some other American friends. And they offered a listening ear, grace, Dr Pepper, insight, and Velveeta cheese. Over the course of the weekend, the Lord spoke into my weariness. He spoke into my pessimism. He somehow made me see that no matter how hard things are and no matter how close to despair I might be, He is the only hope in the midst of it all. And that hope softens my heart.