Trust His Heart

This is kinda old school but here lately, the words of this song have meant alot to me:

All things work for our good
Though sometimes we can't see how they could
Struggles that break our heart in two
Sometimes blind us to the truth

Our Father knows what's best for us
His ways are not our own
So when your pathway grows dim, and you just can't see Him
Remember you're not alone

God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand,
When you can't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand
Trust His heart

He sees the master plan
And He holds our future, in His hands
So don't live as those who have no hope
All our hope is found in Him

We see the present clearly
But He sees the first and the last
And like a tapestry, He's weaving you and me
To someday, be just like Him

God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand
When you don't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand
Trust His heart

He alone is faithful and true
He alone knows what is best for you
So when you don't understand
When you don't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand
Trust His heart.

Brink, Brink, Brink, Don't Brink

Yesterday I went to the hospital here in Bangkok for my doctor's appointments. I know several people feel like I have 'settled' by going to Bangkok. But I just wanted to say that this hospital was AMAZING. I felt like I had stepped forward in time. The facilities were SO clean and modern. They actually even asked ME to wash my hands when I came in.

They had these little stations throughout the hospital that had free juice and coffee. The hospital itself was laid out very well. Everything seemed to work like clock work. Patient representatives took you around to all the places you needed to go. I felt like I was at some sort of 'boutique' hospital, only reserved for the very rich and important. I felt a bit like an intruder.

I sat down for my eye tests at the eye clinic. And let me tell you, by this point, I have had MANY eye tests. A polite Thai nurse in her white uniform and high heels performed the tests. She would say "brink, brink, brink...don't brink" and immediately take the photo. (They get their L's and R's mixed up here)

By the time I went from the eye doctor to the neurologists office, they had already sent all my information over by email. I walked into the neurologist's room with her already reviewing my records. I wouldn't have been surprised if she already knew what my favorite color was. It made for a very efficient, very pinpointed doctor's visit.

After my appointments, I was hungry. They don't just have a cafeteria there. They have a mini mall. I sat down and had a relaxing lunch. I even spotted a Starbuck's Coffee shop.
I still have to go back for more tests. I haven't found out anything I didn't already know. But as I sat at the mini mall, the ball of stress that has been resting on my shoulders began to unravel. I think I came to the right place.

"One Night In Bangkok..."

Well well well. So, I went this week for a routine check up of my eyes. And they found that my right eye has actually gotten worse. This means that my optic nerve is still acting up. I contacted some people...who contacted some people. And the verdict is---I am flying to Bangkok. They have this really modern, state of the art hospital there. Hopefully I will be able to get some better answers.

I am tired of thinking and talking about this. I am SO ready to get on with life. But I can't deny the spots in my right eye. And so to Bangkok I will go. I am hoping to not be there very long. But only time will tell.

The adventurous side of me screams "oh cool..a new city to explore" But then another side of me wonders what I will do all alone in a big place like that. Then the other side of me doesn't want to loose my vision, so I just have wipe my tears and 'cowgirl up'. One side of me knows that God is in the unknown. But then another side of me forgets that truth easily. But then the adventurous side of me comes back and says "come on, saddle up. After all, there's Starbucks in Thailand".

So, this afternoon, I am just resting. I am letting the thoughts in my head settle for a bit. I ran across something recently that was exactly what I needed to hear.

"Behold, I go forwards, but He is not there. And I go backward but I do not perceive Him. On the left hand when He is working, I do not behold Him. He turns to the right hand but I do not see Him. But he knows the way I take. When he tries me, I shall come out as pure gold. My foot has held fast to His steps. I have kept His way and have not turned aside. I have not departed from the commands of His lips. I have treasured the words of His mouth more than the portion of my food". Job 23:8-12

In the Gully

One of the wonderful things about big cities- the little neighborhoods that are hidden away in them. From the main road, you can't see them. But just take a few steps off the road and you will walk into a whole different world. The mass of humanity always amazes me. They live in organized chaos that somehow seems to work for them. Yesterday evening I went with a local friend to her neighborhood. She lives in what they call a "gully'. Its basically just like a side pocket of the city.

As we entered the gully, she greeted neighbors as they went back and forth with various tasks. We walked by a huge temple and saw people praying through the window. Vendors sat on the sidewalk selling every product you could think of. She placed a protective hand on my arm as we made our way through the hallways and staircases of her gully. I thought to myself "wow, I would be in big trouble if she just left me here. It would be like a rat caught in a maze."

After a few twist and turns, we found ourselves emerging into a 'central' area where people congregated. We approached an old woman sitting on a cot. As we approached her, she gave a toothless smile and greeted us. "This is my grandma" my friend said. So, I sat down with grandma a few minutes. My friend said "tell her the story you just learned" So, I told grandma about a blind man who was once healed.

Thus began the cycle. After grandma, I met a cousin, a sister, a friend. With each person, I told the story of the blind man. I was also able to tell my personal story.With each telling, my Hindi became more confident. I asked people what their favorite thing about the story was. "That He always helps us" one lady answered.

Time passed quickly by. I didn't realize that it had become dark. Night times here have a totally different feel to them. I turned to my friend "um, I had better go, its getting late". She helped me out of the maze and back onto the main road. "Ok didi (older sister) see you soon" she said as her face disappeared in the darkness.

As I rode home in the auto rickshaw, I prayed "don't you have someone better than me who could do this"? But to be self focused is to be prideful. So, I turned my mind towards thanksgiving. Thank you that your Word was spoken down in that gully this evening. Thank you.

Leela's Tears

This past Sunday I had the opportunity to visit a small fellowship of believers. As I walked into an upper room of a house, I heard the sounds of people praising our King. It was vastly different from any service I have been to in the States. But the same familiar Presence was there. As I tried to listen closely to the foreign words spoken, a little boy played at my feet. He was fascinated by my pink toenail polish. His mother sat close by and she gave me a big smile from time to time during the service. I smiled back. After it was over, I immediately asked her name-it was Leela. Her eyes lit up with surprise. "You know Hindi?" she asked. I said "Well, I have only been studying for a year but I know a little". Her eyes flooded with tears. "You understand me? You REALLY understand me"? "Yes, Yes," I replied. She immediately told me her story. Our Lord had come to her in a dream about a year ago and said "Come, follow me". And so...she did. I too was able to tell her my story. As we sat and talked, an occasional tear ran down her cheeks "I am just so happy today. You know my language", she said as she pointed to her heart.
Leela's tears= worth every minute.

Aaron And Hur

This week I was reading about how Aaron and Hur brought a rock for Moses to sit on when he became tired during battle. And when his arms became weak, they held up his arms for him. And my heart was touched. So many times I have gotten to be Aaron or Hur to someone. But lately it seems, I get to be Moses. When I get worn out, someone always seems to come along with a rock for me to sit on. I so easily get swallowed by circumstances and want to quit. But then sure enough, there seems to always be someone to say "hey look, I am here. Give me an arm". Thanks to you all for holding me up.

Ain't No Burden

I don't know why but one of my favorite words in Hindi is the word for burden. When I first learned the word I would answer every request with "it ain't no bodj" (burden) I love to tell people that problems may come but He is the one who carries my burdens. I was reading this morning from Oswald Chambers. And he talked about the verse "caste your burdens on Him because He cares for you". It struck me for the first time that this verse requires action. I had the image of casting a net into the water. But we don't just caste our burdens aside . We caste our burdens back on Him. I have to deliberately place it back on His shoulders. Its so easy to get tangled in circumstances. But I was reminded this morning that He is walking right beside me, with my burdens on His shoulders. I go out today with an extra spring in my step. Because I know that His yoke is easy and His burden is light.

Hey Dad, Can You Fix This?

One of the blessing about learning a new language is that He starts teaching you lessons through it. This week, I have been trying to learn some stories from His word. And I had been using the verb "to heal" a lot. But a local friend said 'actually, we don't understand that word". The better word to use is "fix". Instead of saying He heals, say He fixes. So, in my story, I say 'He instantly fixed the blind man'.

In my childhood, I have memories of going to my dad and saying 'Hey dad, can you fix this'? And he would..he would fix it. I know that our Father heals. But He also fixes.

Year In Review

Today marks the day of me being in country for one year. In many ways, I have learned so much. In other ways, I feel like I have a lot left to learn. Goodbyes that were said a year ago seem like another lifetime. Its so weird- not having physically seen faces that are so securely etched in my mind.

I have learned to love people that are vastly different than me. I have learned more about grace. I have learned that I actually live INSIDE of a Where's Waldo puzzle. I have learned to lower my expectations of myself and increase my expectations of God.

I have asked a lot of questions and gotten al ot of answers. I have asked about food, holidays, language, life. I have asked "has anyone seen my immune system"?

I know alot of my days have been filled with sickness. And there is a certain lonliness in that.But when I look back over this year, I don't think of being sick. I think of the people I have met. I think about the miles I have walked in these dusty sandals of mine. I think about how He shows up in places that you least expect Him. I think about how - when its all said and done- my cup still overflows.

Grace Like Rain

This is usually one of my favorite times of year. Remembering that the grave was empty. Remembering the event that changed the course of history. But this weekend, I am having a hard time remembering. So many sad stories exist here. Seems hopeless. Its overwhelming. And it makes me angry.

I had a friend tell me, when you don't know what to do, just sing. Music speaks to the soul in the way that words can't. So I sat at my table this morning. And I sang "amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me....I once was lost but now I'm found was blind but now I see" And grace, like rain, came pouring down. One of the things about grace is- it helps us to remember what we have forgotten.