Setting My Sights

Through a reflection on Rev 21 last week, the Lord helped me write this poem.
Setting my sights on the realities of heaven as we enter into this new year!

As I sit in this darkness
its hard to know You're there
When things seem so uncertain
I wonder if you care

The days are so long
That I often wish for night
But the time is coming soon
When our faith will become sight

You say in Word
that all old will be made new
You will say "it is done"
And Your work will all be through

All death and pain
will be forgotten in the past
All brokenness will end
And joy will always last

You are the Alpha and Omega
The pure and spotless Lamb
You're the Water that gives life
You are the great I AM

Soon we'll have evidence
of all things we now can't see
So I hold onto this promise
that all will be as it should be

We'll one day see Your glory
We'll one day see Your face
And with that I can walk walk this journey
Trusting forward in your grace

The King

I just spent some time in Thailand and something really struck me this time. Thailand is actually officially known as the Kingdom of Thailand and is considered a constitutional monarchy. Their king is known to be the the longest reigning king in the world and has done a lot for his beloved country. In every store and on every street, you see his picture. They celebrate his birthday as a national holiday. People honor, respect and revere him. Even when you go to a movie, you have to stand before the movie starts. (which startled me the first time because why were all these short people standing up at attention?? They don't warn you about these things...) As the national anthem is playing, you see pictures flash up on the screen recapping his life. As I walk through the streets of Thailand, there is no DOUBT who their king is.

And I was just thinking about how we as Americans have a small picture of what a king is. In a society where anything goes, people say whatever they want to about leaders. And they can say whatever they want to about our King. In Thailand, I wouldn't dare say a disrespectful word about their king and in turn, I was lead to think about how I honor our King. I want there to be no DOUBT who my King is. So, for this Christmas season, I ponder these things. Once, our King came and He is coming again! Merry Christmas!

p.s. Thanks for praying. I am feeling better and have hope for the coming days. :-)

The Honest Side

I just read a book that offered a lot of insight into this way of life I am choosing. The author said "you can't step across cultural boundaries without going, moving, missing, giving and losing. You must sacrifice". And I know, at least for myself, its been easy to glorify this idea of "sacrifice" Oh yeah, die to myself, counting it all as lost.. Go out there and storm the gates of hell. It all sounds so noble, right?

But when it comes down to it...it hurts. Sacrifice hurts. I am whiny and complainy and sometimes all I want is a Gingerbread latte from Starbucks. For months now, I have been spiraling downward into severe depression. I don't particularly want to hear that its because I have lack of faith. I don't want to hear its because I have some hidden sin in my life. I am depressed because we live in a lost and dying world. And that's depressing. I would have to have a heart of stone to not be affected. Its like going into a war zone. I can't expect to NOT get injured.

And I try to stay positive in my emails back home. I understand that people want to hear about the wonderful things that are happening. They want to hear that their money is going to a good cause. And the truth is, He IS at work. Despite it all, He is at work. But on the flip side of that...on the honest side of that...alot of things also really stink.

Perfectly sweet, angelic looking poor people that tug at my heart will look you right in the eye and lie. The truth is- they don't actually want to be helped. They are not thinking "oh gee...I wish someone would come along and teach me a skill so that I can get of this life of poverty and oppression". National believers who are suppose to be leaders....use money that have been given by well meaning Americans..to buy a plasma tv for their homes. A believer, who I really thought was my friend, used me as an opportunity to sneak off and have an affair on her husband.

To be used, taken advantage of, lied to, abused, made fun of..its just apart of the fabric of life. Day in...day out... And I know I am suppose to rise above it. But the pressure on my spirit gets to great. So...I start to crack. I can't sleep at night. Food is just something to keep my body alive, it holds no interest. I jump at loud noises. I lose my train of thought easily. I stop thinking things are funny. I can't remember the last time laughed...I mean REALLY laughed. Laughter has always been my defense mechanism. But as we all know... sometimes bodies just stop fighting..they stop defending. We fall into hopelessness.

As a Westerner, I don't want to actually have to hurt. That 'value' is ingrained in us from the start. I don't want anything to go against my God given right to lead a life of relative ease and comfort. So I flee to Thailand, in hopes that a magical pill will work. I flee to Thailand so that I can sit in a mall and drink that Gingerbread latte. I flee to Thailand because somehow the sin of materialism and self gratification is easier on the eye than the sins that I encounter on a daily basis.

Now, don't get me wrong, I do believe that medication can help. As the counselor said..."well of course you would be depressed and need some help" I believe God has given the wisdom to people to create a medicine that will re balance the chemicals in the brain. And i am sure my brain is unbalanced. I feel no shame in needing something to help lift the fog. The Lord's grace can work through a small yellow pill taken once a day.

But I also know that God allows suffering and pain. He didn't spare His own Son, so why would He spare me? He allows us to walk through valleys so long that we forget there is sunshine on the other side of the mountain. And His ways are wacky and I can't really even begin to understand them. So, in times like these, I wait.... and I refuse to curse Him.

But I do remember that... He hasn't let me down yet.

City of Widows

This past week I was able to return back to the city of widows. We had some volunteers come and we spent the week reaching out to the community through the local school, going to villages and slums and also visiting with some of the widows who call this place home.

a lady who had been healed from a bleeding disorder getting the bleeding woman story drawn on her hand with henna

Some of the widows were so sweet. They really melted our hearts

A bull powered school bus

the local school surprised us one day with flowers for our necks. Its not quite like Hawaii but it was a thoughtful gesture.

we passed out gift bags to the students and teachers one day

This guy startled us when he came up to our car with this big snake. Not Funny.

one of the ladies we met out in the village

this little 3 year old girl was the cutest!

some of the school children doing crafts

monkeys monkeys every where

many Westerners come to this holy city as well to find enlightenment and salvation.

Some of the major temples in town

Thanksgiving 2011

This year I spent Thanksgiving at a Tiger Reserve with some fellow Americans nestled in the foothills of the mountains. It was a beautiful area and I loved spending time with some cherished people who have meant alot to me during my time in South Asia. This tiger paw print was the closest I got to seeing a tiger though. Anyway, there is much to be grateful for. Happy Thanksgiving ya'll!