Underneath the Juniper Tree

 The last few months of South Asia were exhausting. I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I didn't have time to process things, I just felt I had to keep going. Dead lines. Expectations.  Keep going. Ignore the tired. Its selfish to rest.

 I arrived home exhausted, depressed and on the road to burnout.  The thing that added to the struggle was the fact that I saw the same exact look in the eyes of my fellow Americans as I did walking through the slums of South Asia. That look of quite desperation. So that just goes to show, it doesn't matter what we physically have. We are hurting. We need Jesus.

Recent tragic events combined with just the daily grind of life makes my heart bleed with grief.  Where is the joy of our salvation? It seems as if God has over promised and under delivered.  Is all this worth it?  Where did God go in all of this? Where is this abundant life that He speaks of? I mean.. really? This is it?  Something is terribly terribly wrong.

This past week, some dear people wisely pointed out to me something that I had never noticed before. They talked about the life that Jesus actually lived. Over and over again in Scripture, he engages people. He healed. He provided peace to the restless. He taught. And then... He retreated. He often went to the lonely places. He withdrew to the solitude. He went up to the Mount of Olives, taking a break from the masses of people pressing in on Him. I can just imagine Him laying up there on that mountain looking at the stars. I wonder if He said to the Father "hey, you remember that time when we created Pluto? Pretty cool stuff.

In Scripture, there is no talk about Jesus living a balanced life. But there is talk of Jesus giving His ALL and then retreating. Jesus Himself needed to be in His Father's presence. Engage. Disengage. Engage again. A rhythm  to His life. For everything there is a season. He even gave us one whole day a week to rest.  But somehow that commandment gets ignored. Its like the "9 commandments with an optional activity" now.

 On a retreat in Virginia, I had the chance to just stop. I had a chance to disengage. We didn't fast from food but we fasted from technology. I had the chance to sleep. I had the chance to eat. I had the chance to be quiet. And the Lord spoke. Why? Because I actually stopped to listen. I got so busy doing His work that I forgot Him.

I sat underneath the sky. I walked. I went to the playground to swing. I was reminded that our God is awfully big and sure does love us an awfully lot.  I have been tired. And scared. And worried. But last week I stopped. I withdrew to the lonely places. And God showed up.

When I  say I want to be like Jesus... what I meant was that  wanted  to be like Him in the last three years of His life. I wanted to walk with Him on water but I didn't want to go with Him to the lonely places. He lived for 30 years in relative obscurity. Am I ok with that part of the story too?

So, just as Elijah sat under the juniper tree, I sit. I sleep. I eat. I sleep again.  In the quiet, God is showing up. Its brutal to think about the days when I ignored Him. But its beautiful actively practice the presence of God.  I don't want to live this life if I can't have Jesus. So, underneath the juniper tree I sit.