I was born with the 'feelings' knob turned up too high on my chromosomes. Even from a young age, I seemed to FEEL everything too much. When I have taken those personality tests, I have always been off the charts in the "feelings" category. Over the years, I have learned to find ways to neutralize it. I don't shed a tear anymore when I watch the National Geographic channel. Nowadays, my heart remains stone cold when I hold puppies. I was able to work for years as a nurse and not cry...too much.... This feelings thing has been a blessing and a curse.
In Hindi, the phrase that you use for "hurt my feelings" literally means "wounded my heart". Well, this week has wounded my heart. I have a believing friend who has run into trouble. She and her family can barely put food on the table. They mainly just eat rice and cookies. We figured out a way to get food to her without her seeing our "white" faces giving it to her. But she figured out it was us. And she was upset. She told me she is not a beggar. Her parents have turned their backs on her because of her belief. I tried to explain. She just didn't understand. She would rather go hungry than take food from us.
Flash forward a few days. I was visiting with another family this week. They don't believe but have been super interested in important things. I had a wonderful conversation with one of the sisters about trusting. She said 'yes'! But then she asked a question. "Can you give me money"? My heart sank. Is this what she thinks? Was I just an ATM machine to her this whole time?
In one situation, someone who really needs won't take. In another situation, I just feel used and confused. And so now my heart is raw and bleeding. There are so many layers to this culture that just don't understand. And as I weave my way through the gray cloud of confusion and misunderstanding, it hurts. Will the TRUTH always be obscured behind my pale skin and American citizenship? I don't want people to see me. I want to be forgotten. But I do want people to see Him.
I remember the words of one wise man who had been on the field for years. 'When you step out onto the battlefield, expect to get hurt'. Well, he is right. It hurts.
3 comments:
I love you.
I'm sorry. All I can say is that I really really understand.
Know that you're making a difference. Years later, if you were to go back, (feeling like you had had little impact or that you had said the wrong things), you would see just how clearly your presence had been used and what a difference it had made.
Be encouraged.
but I understand... :(
Well said. Thank you for sharing this post. I can relate to the emotion stuff... Love you...Chandra
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