And You Said "I AM"

Yesterday was my second day of classes and I finished it in tears. I know what you are thinking "But Cathy, you usually have emotions of pure steel" but its true...I just broke down the second day. Ok ok... I was tired and have a cold so that made it worse. But yesterday was just a heavy day. I was hit with all of my worst weaknesses and fears. I don't know if was Satan's attack or the Lord molding me or just my own sin. All I know is that I walked back to my room at night hiding my face in my scarf.

In the Lord's great timing, today was the day of spiritual retreat. When I looked at the schedule today, I thought "oh man, why can't we just talk about finances today??" But of course, He had other plans. We had about 3 hours where we just had time to spend with Him. I was reminded that He does not condemn us. I had a time of repentance. I had a time of just listening. At one point, I listed out to God how I was not equipped. Oh Lord I'm not... And He said "Yes but Cathy, I AM" I take a deep breath...whew...yeah... He IS.

My Only Hope

I am sitting in another hotel room. I dropped my dad off at the airport early this morning. I am hanging out the hotel room for the morning and then heading out to Rockville. That is the location of the training center-way out in the country. People joke around with me that it sounds like I am going into some sort of commune. Oh man..I think I forgot to pack my nun outfit.

Since I had to get up early this morning, I had the chance to have a nice long time with the Lord. I listened to music, read, and prayed. I am so thankful that I have access to an intimate, abiding relationship with the living God.

I can get as many degrees as I want to. I can strive to make people laugh. I can stop to feed the homeless on the way to donating blood for the victims of war torn Africa. But when it comes down to it, nothing... absolutely nothing matters except to know Him and to dwell in His presence. He doesn't disappoint. He is my hope, my only hope.

John Wayne and Old Bottles of Lotion

So I packed up my trunk and my dad and I are headed to Virginia. He wanted to help drive me so that I will have my car during my two months of "boot camp" as he calls it.We left a few days early to visit an aunt in Wadesburo, North Carolina. This is the location I am currently writing from. We are staying in a shady hotel at the edge of town. The hot water works but only if you turn it on from underneath the sink. Rusty stains line the bathtub and despite the 40 degree weather... the heater doesn't work and there is no blanket on my bed. My dad is apologetic but I remind him that its only preparing me for what is ahead.

I am so glad I am going on this road trip with my dad. We are sharing the driving responsibilities but more importantly we are creating memories. He talks to me about politics, family, life and John Wayne. I read to him random facts about the cities that we are passing through and try to explain to him the marvels of my Ipod.

We have this family tradition of singing 'The Battle of New Orleans" every time we cross the Mississippi River. As we approached the Mississippi, with childlike glee, I ask "are we going to sing it??" Dad knows what I am talking about. In off -key unison we start singing 'in 1814 we took a little trip, along with Colonel Jackson down the mighty Mississip...." And my dad tells the same joke that he has always told...how do you spell Mississippi with one i? He then covers up one of his eyes and starts spelling "M-I-S-S-I..."

We get to my aunt's house and she has a great home cooked meal for us. I haven't seen her in several years. I sit on her coach and listen to her chat about her kids, her disappointments and her jewelry. She gives me a left over bottle of lotion because she is afraid I won't be able to get any of that overseas. I hide my smile and I thank her for her thoughtfulness.

As the day ends, I feel content. I am thankful. I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.

Disturb Us O Lord

"Disturb us, Lord, when we are well pleased with ourselves, when our dreams have come true because we have dreamed too little, when we arrive safely because we have sailed too close to the shore. Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly, to venture on wider seas where storms will show your mastery; where losing sight of land we shall find stars. We ask you to push back the horizons of our hopes; and you to push in the future in strength,courage,hope and love" Sir Francis Drake


I spent a good portion of the day today with a lovely friend from church. I was sad to leave her. It hurt my heart when I realized how much I would miss her. I asked God "is this your will for me?" Its interesting... at the first of hint of pain, I would ask that. Of course I knew the answer even before I finished the question. I am so thickly wrapped in my soft and padded life. I wish to feast with Him but I also must be willing to fast with Him.

One of my favorite quotes comes from the movie Steel Magnolias. Julia Roberts plays the part of a diabetic woman who longs to have a baby, despite the risk. Her mother scolds her for having such a dream and Julia says "I would rather have 30 minutes of wonderful than a whole lifetime of nothing special". That goes the same for me. I would rather have 30 minutes of living with reckless abandon, forsaking it all for the cross... which will lead to some pain... than a whole lifetime of nothing special

God's Grace

As I go through this transition, in my life, I have really tried to cherish each moment that the Lord brings me. I try not to think too much about the past or the future but instead I am just praying that I can live in the present for now. Every conversation I have, I think "well, this could be the last time I talk to this person..." so I really try to listen to what they are saying. Its kinda been a nice way to live life. I keep seeing sprinkles of God's grace all over the place.

I was taking a trip out to West Texas to see a friend. I had the chance to witness a West Texas sunset. The smell of oil crept into my car as Willie Nelson sang on the radio. My eyes were watering as I was facing the sun, trying to stay on the road. And I had the chance to see the sun go down. West Texas is full of wide open spaces and so the sunsets out there are quite amazing. And I was reminded that God is Creator of the sunset.

I am spending alot of time with my 6 year old niece. We are great buddies and I will be very sad to leave her. She is turning into a fabulous kid with wisdom beyond her years. Echos of her are all over my life and my heart. And I am reminded that echos of God's love are all over my life as well.

A friend of our family was in a terrible car accident back in May. He has had a long recovery but his faith has been an encouragement to me. I sat and listened to him play the piano this morning as his raspy voice barely sang "He helps me get through the day". It is a simple chorus but the truth of his words really touched my heart. Because very literally, He has helped my friend get through the difficult minutes of his days. And I am reminded of God as Healer, as the Keeper of our days.

I sat with a friend from high school and we looked through old pictures. We laughed at old stories and old memories. I cannot believe the clothes I used to wear. I was NOT cool. But my friend loved me anyway and still loves me. And I am reminded of God's goodness in my life to give me friends like her.

I sat with a cherished relative who is a dark place in her life right now and is in poor physical health. She told me honestly that she was scared and I didn't have much to say to her in response. And I was reminded of God as Sustainer...when we get to the end of our day...He is all we have left.

Creator..Love...Healer...Keeper of Our Days...Goodness...Sustainer...all sprinkles of God's grace

It Came Upon a Midnight Clear

This is my last Christmas in the States for awhile. I have tried to treasure each day that God has given me. Everything has a bittersweetness to it. I have been praying that we would all know His presence this Christmas season.

As I was sitting in our church's Christmas Eve service, the lyrics to It Came Upon a Midnight Clear really touched my heart. I often times don't really pay attention to the familiar words of Christmas songs. But this time...I really listened. The last two stanzas really stuck out to me.


Yet with the woes of sin and strife
The world hath suffered long
Beneath the angel strain have rolled
Two thousands years of wrong
And man, at war, with man, hears not
The love song which they bring
O hush the noise, ye men of strife
And hear the angels sing

For lo! The days are hastening on
By prophet bards foretold
When, with the ever circling years
Shall come the Age of Gold
When peace shall reign over all the earth
Its ancient splendors fling
And all the world give back the song
Which now the angels sing


So right now we don't have peace on earth. There is NOT goodwill to all men. Right now the Love Song gets lost in the noise. But listen...just listen. Grace dwelt among us. And one day, very soon, He is coming back! There will be peace... This world is not my home. There is very definitely something wrong with this place. Oh but one day..one day soon... peace will reign and we can spend eternity listening to the Love Song.

I Have Learned

This next week I finish up at my nursing job at Baylor. These last few days I have been thinking about what that is going to look like in my life. Not only am I finishing up a job... I am starting a new one that is not directly related to nursing. I have done nothing BUT nursing since I was in college. Working as a nurse has taught me a lot about God, people, faith, pain, and myself.

When I first started out in nursing, I was actually 6 foot tall but now I am only 5'3" because I have literally walked my legs off being so busy.

But seriously... one thing I have learned is that you can really tell how a person has lived their live by watching how they die. I have seen the best and worst in people. I have seen the best and worse in myself. I have looked into patent's eyes and seen death but I have also looked into their eyes and have seen hope.

I have learned to see God not only in grand cathedrals but in the face of His children who are scared, hurting and poor.

I have learned that the hospital- issued gown is the great equalizer. CEO's of companies, VIPS of society, mothers of newborn babies, homeless men off the street....they all have to put that same colored gown on. They all fear the unknown and are looking for answers.

I have learned what God means when He asks us to serve without grumbling. There are times when I became frustrated because I felt like a servant. But that small voice would remind me "You are MY servant".

I have learned that hospitals at night are a bit spooky. Lights are turned off, people go home, act ivies are ceased. And its quiet. I have more time to think. And I think I notice the sadness more.

I have learned to be thankful for the gift of laughter. People in the medical world have a sick sense of humor... both patients and workers. I see God's grace in the ability to laugh in the midst of hardship.

I have learned that sometimes the best thing to do is just listen. I have stuck my foot in my mouth enough times to realize that just giving a listening ear is the best medicine.

I have learned that this world is ultimately under God's control. He alone determines the time of life and the time of death. Of course He gives us the ability to run tests, give antibiotics, perform procedures but ultimately HE is the one in charge.

I have learned what the valley of the shadow of death looks like. I have heard the wales of those who lost their loved ones. Its been a constant reminder to me that we live in a fallen world. Its forced me to put my hope in the Giver of hope. And I have prayed many of times for His return.

So... nursing...you have been good to me. I will return because you are apart of my heart now. So, I will just say goodbye for awhile.